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Ever since childhood, I have had a complicated relationship with food, thanks to my mental health. From the stories my mother told me about my early childhood, I have always been a picky eater. My mother used to stroll around with me in the garden with a bowl of food in her hand, hoping I would eat whilst playing amidst the grass and flowers.
I remember being really fond of milk though. Whenever I would not eat my greens, my mother would blackmail me saying, “You’re not going to have your glass of milk if you don’t finish the vegetables on your plate.” And the trick would work most of the time. But as I grew up, the relationship between my food and mental health became interlinked to a larger extent.
On World Suicide Prevention Day, I feel compelled to share some of my snippets. The insides of coming to a realisation of how food has a healing power. Be it the times when baking a batch of cookies has helped me manage stress to the times when I could just rely on my go-to cafe’s cold coffee to get back to life.
Baking: My Therapeutic Escape
It has been ages since I read, “Baking is pure magic as even I can’t believe the magic combining different flours, milk, and eggs can create,” and it has been with me ever since. I was eighteen years old when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety. During those periods, food wasn’t just unappealing — it was irrelevant. In such moments, I found getting to bake with my mother utterly soothing.
From whisking eggs to fixating my eyes on the window of the oven watching the batter rise was much more than creating “something sweet.” Even though meditating the traditional way has never been my cup of tea, baking brownies or chocolate cookies takes my focus to the present and helps lower my levels of anxiety.
Eating At Familiar Places And Ordering In
On typically low days, my friends and family would ask if I’d had breakfast or dinner, and I would lie, shrugging it off. The truth was that the effort of preparing food, of even thinking about what I should eat, felt impossible. It was like my mind had shut down that part of me that wanted to live, and with it, any desire to nourish my body. On those tougher days, I focus on small, easy-to-digest meals. There are days when I may be eating some fruits and not complete meals, and that’s okay. On the other, when I want to pamper myself, I do get my favourite bowl of pasta.
While exploring new cafes and experimenting with food could be exciting, something I came to terms with myself is that I like familiarity. Going to familiar places whose menus I know by heart and a few people from the staff already know my go-to order is what makes me feel at peace. One of the most comforting feelings for me is when I can walk to the cafe next door, sink in a bowl of crispy fries and sip in cold coffee whilst shifting my attention from the intrusive thoughts.
Food, I’ve learned, can be an act of self-compassion. If chocolate makes me feel a bit lighter, why deny that pleasure, especially on the days when I hardly have the energy to keep my anxiety at bay?
Maintaining The Balance
Looking back, I now see how food has mirrored my mental health journey. There were times when I would restrict my eating, not out of a desire to lose weight but because I simply didn’t care enough to nourish myself. Then there were the days when I’d binge on snacks and sugary treats, desperately trying to fill the emotional void. But now, after years of self-reflection, I’ve found a more balanced approach.
I’ve learned to be kinder to myself when it comes to food. If I miss a meal, I no longer spiral into guilt. Instead, I ask myself what my body really needs. Sometimes it’s something as simple as a glass of water, and other times it’s a hearty, home-cooked meal. The important thing is that I’ve come to view food as a way to care for myself, rather than as something to control or obsess over.
On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I want to remind everyone that your journey and your relationship with food can be messy and personal. All you need to do is not shame yourself, and not end your life, because help is right around the corner. Trust me, there are some great brownies waiting for you to try them out.
Disclaimer: The views and experiences shared in this piece are personal opinions and reflections. They should not be taken as professional advice or guidance or substitute for counselling or therapy. If you are struggling with your mental health, please consult a qualified mental health professional for support.
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