Over the last week, the legacy of one of the greatest leafy vegetables has been dragged through the proverbial mud after news that KFC in Australia would be using a cabbage-lettuce mixture instead of pure lettuce in their burgers.  

That is the gustatory equivalent of replacing Govinda with Varun Dhawan in a classic 90s remake and calling it the same thing.  Or like saying The Matrix Resurrections was just good as The Matrix.

To borrow a phrase from the world’s most famous fictional civil servant Sir Humphrey Appleby: “It is the thin end of the wedge.”

Thankfully, the Australian PM Anthony Albanese has noted the rising crisis and told a radio channel that they’d discuss it in cabinet. The wise man noted: “Cabbage isn't the same as lettuce. That's just wrong. I'll put it on the list for the Cabinet meeting today. Cabbage-gate."

The news also promoted some vile propaganda about the top-tier vegetable so much so that the edit page of a daily newspaper claimed the iceberg lettuce’s raison d’etre was to “add a veneer of virtue to a fast-food eater’s experience” and to “enjoy one’s meal one must first take out the lettuce”.

Clearly, they’ve never made a proper sandwich.

The lettuce isn’t there to paper over the nutritional deficiencies of food items. Its neutral taste actually makes it a perfect counterfoil or accompaniment to a variety of dishes.

It’s there to elevate every dish it graces, whether it's cut Julienne or shredded.

Take the burger. A crisp lettuce leaf between bun, molten cheese and protein is the perfect explosion of flavours in your mouth. 

In an egg-and-lettuce sandwich, it brings out the flavour of relish,  mayo or mustard.

In a BLT sandwich, it’s the only worthy accompaniment to the crispy bacon. Try having a BCT and you will know what we mean.

In a Caesar salad, it’s the protagonist, a counterfoil to the other ingredients like croutons and olive oil. Throw in some protein and you have a delectable meal.

You can even make a wrap with the lettuce to cut down on unnecessary carbs.

To paraphrase a popular country song by Waylon Jennings: “There are only two things that make life worth living. A guitar tuned good and a firm-feeling iceberg lettuce.”

Long live the iceberg lettuce.